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The new blog is http://constantpen.blogspot.com

A lot has been changing in my life so I decided to make a new blog and start with the new beginning to my life.

Separation.

We are separated :(
How to tell the kids?

Health Issues with My Ari

My poor little Ari.
Life has been so incredibly stressful, overwhelming and heavy.

About a month to a month and a half ago I thought Ari was just tired as his eyes started rolling back.

I giggled and picked him up, but once I picked him up he was not responsive to me at all.
I was talking to him and he was just kind of limp and his eyes kept rolling back.
I was worried to an extent, but still chalked it up to him being tired.

We went home and took a nap.

It didn't happen again for a while, but since then I have counted about 6 more occasions when he would have an "episode".

I made a doctors appointment and started doing my own research on what could cause this.
Based on what I read and videos I found on youtube I thought it looked a lot like "absence seizures".
When I took him to the doctor I never said what I thought it could be, I just told her what was happening.
Sure enough she said it sounds like he is having absence seizures.

They measured him and his percentile in height has been dropping as if he just stopped growing.
They did a blood panel and when the results came back the doctor called me with them.

I knew as soon as she called that something was wrong because the nurses usually call.
She talked about everything that came back normal, but then told me that his blood platelets are elevated (could just be from the stomach bug that was going around), his protein levels are low and that she thinks he may have Renal Tubular Acidosis (RTA) which is basically a kidney malfunction. It is when the kidneys don't filter things properly and that could be what is causing him to not be growing the way he is supposed to.

They are considering him to be a failure to thrive case :(

Our pediatrician sent a referral to Children's Hospital. We have to wait for them to call us and then there are a lot of things we need to do in order to get seen by the specialists.

We need to see a pediatric neurologist and the growth specialists.

So needless to say, I am extremely tired and worried and overwhelmed.

There are also other things going on in the family that have contributed to all of this stress.

Please keep my little man in your prayers. I just want him to be happy and healthy.




I seriously LOVE when he crosses his legs while sleeping!





































For Reference, what a absence seizure looks like and this is what Ari does!

Christmas Photos!

Dreams #NaBloPoMo

Before I start this post, I want to clarify that my miscarriages were early on and I didn't "know" what gender they were but I just had that gut feeling and the dreams that helped me to "determine" what they were. If that makes any sense.

Sammy posted recently how after she had a dream about little Bram's death, she started praying for God to show her the future.
To let Bram come to her in her dreams.

When I read this post it sparked a not-so-distant memory of mine.

I had suffered through two miscarriages.

My first miscarriage was in 2003. I was only 17 years old but as soon as I found out I was pregnant, I knew I wanted to keep the baby.. My baby.. There were a lot of issues to begin with.
I never kept track of my cycles, obviously, but the baby never developed.
I had blood drawn every two days. It was miserable.
I remember my heart just dropping when they called with the hormone levels in my blood stream. At first when they said it had risen I was so happy, but they said it was not rising as fast as it should. I knew then that my baby was not going to make it.

I got to see the heartbeat once. It was amazing.

After having the miscarriage I had a dream nightmare of him being taken away from me. It was awful and I hated it.

I was so distraught over so many things, not getting to change diapers, hear his laugh and see him grow up, but the biggest and hardest thing for me was that I wouldn't know what he looked like or how he would have felt in my arms.

Quite a while later after a lot of tears, pain and praying I got the dream. It was a very short dream but it was just enough for me.
It was this:

One day I doing laundry. The back door was wide open and I was carrying a heavy basket of cleaned laundry from the drier to my room. As I passed the back door I heard my sister say something about Tayte being in the dirt in the backyard. She was saying it was a miracle and he was alive. I dropped my basket of laundry which went all over the floor (which I felt was significant as I have a huge aversion to germs to the point that I wear shoes in my house). I ran out to find my son laying in the dirt under a swing set.
He was alive. He was well. He was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen.
As I scooped him up into my arms we gazed into each others eyes. He had the most beautiful green eyes. A thin little nose and tiny mouth.
I held him. Hugged him. Kissed him. Repeatedly told him how much I loved him.

In an instant I was awake again. I was crying. Praying. Closing my eyes and remembering that little face. It was a face of peace. He was good. He was happy. He was beautiful.

I remember the feeling of him in my arms. The love. The tenderness. The softness. Him.

I have that little face memorized. I have the feeling of him in my arms memorized.
I love him and now, 9 whole years after losing him, I find myself weeping over my loss. I love him.


My second miscarriage happened a little over a year later, in 2004.
The pregnancy was going well compared to how my previous pregnancy was going.
I went in when I found out I was pregnant. I was about 4 weeks along. Not a lot to see, but I was reassured that it was simply because it was in the beginning of the pregnancy.

I worried for 4 agonizing weeks. I just wanted to see my baby. I wanted my baby to be healthy. The 8 week ultrasound was great. We saw her little heart beating. It was amazing to see. The baby had grown perfectly for those 4 weeks and I felt such relief!

I couldn't WAIT for my 12 week appointment! I was so excited to see my baby.
I was beside myself with knowing that was going to be the day I HEARD my baby's heartbeat.

I went in. I was made to lay on the table. They squirted the warm blue jelly on my tummy and placed the doppler to my belly. From one side to the other and back. Up high and down low. Pressing harder and lightening up. Then I heart a "whish whish". I smiled so big and the nurse looked down at me and gave me a look of sympathy as she explained that what I had just heard was too slow for a baby and that it was my heart beat.

I cried because I knew right then I had lost my baby. She called the doctor in to do an ultrasound just to be sure.

I looked at the black screen with this tiny little person inside of my womb. There was no heartbeat. I cried more. I couldn't even talk. I couldn't think.

I felt like my world was crumbling around me and that there was no reason to even be living. What had I done wrong? I took my vitamins. I followed the "rules" for pregnant women. I did EVERYTHING you are supposed to do and I lost her anyway even when I knew of others who were smoking and drinking while pregnant and their babies were just fine.

I was so upset, but I put it into Gods hands.
I apologized for my sins. I was sorry for purposely turning my back on Him for "taking my first baby".

I had a nightmare that my little girl was ripped away from me by some demons. It was quite silly when you think of it in real life, but the nightmare seemed SO real. My baby girl was taken from me and I never got to see her.

Again I prayed. I cried. Just like with Tayte, I was so distraught over so many things, not getting to change diapers, hear her laugh and see her grow up, but the biggest and hardest thing for me was that I wouldn't know what she looked like or how she would have felt in my arms.

Some time later I had a dream on my little Angel.

I was in the hospital. My Angel was born early. I assume she didn't live long from the time I got with her in the drem, but it was long enough to see her. Feel her. Touch her. She was this beautiful baby with a cure button nose. A head full of dark curly hair like her dad. Hazel eyes. Her dad was there (even though in real life I hadn't talked to him in several weeks as he just stopped talking to me). We were holding our little girl dressed in this beautiful bright pink outfit with lace trimmings. I held her and hugged her and kissed her. I told her that I would love her forever. That I would see her again in Heaven.

And with that I was wide awake again.
I was crying and memorizing her little face and the feel of her in my arms.
It has been 8 years since losing Angel. I miss her like crazy. I weep for her.

But I know. I know in my heart I will see them when I leave this world. I will ger to hold them and kiss them.



I truly believe God sent me these dreams because he knew how badly I wanted to know what they would look like. How they would feel in my arms and how I got to say goodbye in a different way. It was like closure that I needed.

My babies. Tayte Lee and Angel Moral.
I will see you soon!

Moms Birthday!

Today is my mommy's birthday!
I LOVE YOU MOM!

"His Nose Is Falling Down" #NaBloPoMo

Towards the start of this school year (a couple weeks in) I had been taking my kids to breakfast at school. One day we were just minding our own business, kids eating their breakfast and me just hanging out with them.

This kid then made some comment about Ari's nose.
Ari had a cold at the time that this all started so I thought maybe he was just grossed out by Ari's runny nose (I was wiping it continually because it grosses me out too when kids have boogers all over).

Well the same kid has continued to make comments about Ari and it has been weeks. I have just been ignoring it hoping the kid would finally just give it up. I mean, ignoring it is what you are supposed to do right?

Wrong.

Today I walked in and immediately I hear "Oh no! It's the 'something inaudible' baby". I ignored it... While the two oldest were eating, I was talking with Mrs. C (One of the teachers who has worked with Judah and Ora) and the kid says "That baby is so disgusting!".

Mrs. C was appalled and with a look of shock on her face she said "What did you just say?? WHY would you say something like that?"

Kid replies "well, because his nose is like, falling down..."

Mrs. C and I were equally confused as to what he was talking about and what he meant. She asked him "What are you talking about? I think he is a beautiful baby!"

Kid says "well his nose........... uh...... um...... I really don't know."

Well.. DUH... you don't know, you are talking nonsense!

I guess even though Ari is a baby, not a student and has no idea what is going on in the school takes it seriously as it lines up with their anti-bullying.



In other news, this stomach flu/bug has been kicking our butts! My word.
Thanksgiving day Jonathan was sick. He stayed in bed all day.
Thanksgiving night Judah and Ari got it.
I was feeling a little off Friday-Sunday a little nauseated and what not.
Monday I got pretty bad. I thought for sure I had hit the worst of it then.

Boy was I wrong, Tuesday my stomach was cramping so bad I felt like someone was ripping my intestines out. I had the really gross parts of the stomach flu. I had chills, my muscles and joints just ached and my joints had occasional shooting pains in the joints.

I could barely move. It took every little ounce of energy I had just to get to the bathroom on time.

I was not comfortable unless I was laying down, but I was running to the restroom so often I didn't lay much in the beginning of the day.
OH YEAH!! AND Jonathan was at work and I had all three kids home (Judah was sick and it was impossible to get O to school.)

Wednesday all was well. Everything was returning to normal.

Again I was wrong.
Today Jonathan came home early because he is getting it a second time and Ora was home sick.

It feels like it's NEVER going to end!


Sleepy man.


Cute BEBE foot.


I love it when he crosses his sweet chunky monkey legs while sleeping!


And my sickies today :(