Before I start this post, I want to clarify that my miscarriages were early on and I didn't "know" what gender they were but I just had that gut feeling and the dreams that helped me to "determine" what they were. If that makes any sense.
Sammy posted recently how after she had a dream about little Bram's death, she started praying for God to show her the future.
To let Bram come to her in her dreams.
When I read this post it sparked a not-so-distant memory of mine.
I had suffered through two miscarriages.
My first miscarriage was in 2003. I was only 17 years old but as soon as I found out I was pregnant, I knew I wanted to keep the baby.. My baby.. There were a lot of issues to begin with.
I never kept track of my cycles, obviously, but the baby never developed.
I had blood drawn every two days. It was miserable.
I remember my heart just dropping when they called with the hormone levels in my blood stream. At first when they said it had risen I was so happy, but they said it was not rising as fast as it should. I knew then that my baby was not going to make it.
I got to see the heartbeat once. It was amazing.
After having the miscarriage I had a dream nightmare of him being taken away from me. It was awful and I hated it.
I was so distraught over so many things, not getting to change diapers, hear his laugh and see him grow up, but the biggest and hardest thing for me was that I wouldn't know what he looked like or how he would have felt in my arms.
Quite a while later after a lot of tears, pain and praying I got the dream. It was a very short dream but it was just enough for me.
It was this:
One day I doing laundry. The back door was wide open and I was carrying a heavy basket of cleaned laundry from the drier to my room. As I passed the back door I heard my sister say something about Tayte being in the dirt in the backyard. She was saying it was a miracle and he was alive. I dropped my basket of laundry which went all over the floor (which I felt was significant as I have a huge aversion to germs to the point that I wear shoes in my house). I ran out to find my son laying in the dirt under a swing set.
He was alive. He was well. He was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen.
As I scooped him up into my arms we gazed into each others eyes. He had the most beautiful green eyes. A thin little nose and tiny mouth.
I held him. Hugged him. Kissed him. Repeatedly told him how much I loved him.
In an instant I was awake again. I was crying. Praying. Closing my eyes and remembering that little face. It was a face of peace. He was good. He was happy. He was beautiful.
I remember the feeling of him in my arms. The love. The tenderness. The softness. Him.
I have that little face memorized. I have the feeling of him in my arms memorized.
I love him and now, 9 whole years after losing him, I find myself weeping over my loss. I love him.
My second miscarriage happened a little over a year later, in 2004.
The pregnancy was going well compared to how my previous pregnancy was going.
I went in when I found out I was pregnant. I was about 4 weeks along. Not a lot to see, but I was reassured that it was simply because it was in the beginning of the pregnancy.
I worried for 4 agonizing weeks. I just wanted to see my baby. I wanted my baby to be healthy. The 8 week ultrasound was great. We saw her little heart beating. It was amazing to see. The baby had grown perfectly for those 4 weeks and I felt such relief!
I couldn't WAIT for my 12 week appointment! I was so excited to see my baby.
I was beside myself with knowing that was going to be the day I HEARD my baby's heartbeat.
I went in. I was made to lay on the table. They squirted the warm blue jelly on my tummy and placed the doppler to my belly. From one side to the other and back. Up high and down low. Pressing harder and lightening up. Then I heart a "whish whish". I smiled so big and the nurse looked down at me and gave me a look of sympathy as she explained that what I had just heard was too slow for a baby and that it was my heart beat.
I cried because I knew right then I had lost my baby. She called the doctor in to do an ultrasound just to be sure.
I looked at the black screen with this tiny little person inside of my womb. There was no heartbeat. I cried more. I couldn't even talk. I couldn't think.
I felt like my world was crumbling around me and that there was no reason to even be living. What had I done wrong? I took my vitamins. I followed the "rules" for pregnant women. I did EVERYTHING you are supposed to do and I lost her anyway even when I knew of others who were smoking and drinking while pregnant and their babies were just fine.
I was so upset, but I put it into Gods hands.
I apologized for my sins. I was sorry for purposely turning my back on Him for "taking my first baby".
I had a nightmare that my little girl was ripped away from me by some demons. It was quite silly when you think of it in real life, but the nightmare seemed SO real. My baby girl was taken from me and I never got to see her.
Again I prayed. I cried. Just like with Tayte, I was so distraught over so many things, not getting to change diapers, hear her laugh and see her grow up, but the biggest and hardest thing for me was that I wouldn't know what she looked like or how she would have felt in my arms.
Some time later I had a dream on my little Angel.
I was in the hospital. My Angel was born early. I assume she didn't live long from the time I got with her in the drem, but it was long enough to see her. Feel her. Touch her. She was this beautiful baby with a cure button nose. A head full of dark curly hair like her dad. Hazel eyes. Her dad was there (even though in real life I hadn't talked to him in several weeks as he just stopped talking to me). We were holding our little girl dressed in this beautiful bright pink outfit with lace trimmings. I held her and hugged her and kissed her. I told her that I would love her forever. That I would see her again in Heaven.
And with that I was wide awake again.
I was crying and memorizing her little face and the feel of her in my arms.
It has been 8 years since losing Angel. I miss her like crazy. I weep for her.
But I know. I know in my heart I will see them when I leave this world. I will ger to hold them and kiss them.
I truly believe God sent me these dreams because he knew how badly I wanted to know what they would look like. How they would feel in my arms and how I got to say goodbye in a different way. It was like closure that I needed.
My babies. Tayte Lee and Angel Moral.
I will see you soon!
It is with great sadness that I have this subject to even post about.
My friend Sammy lost her beautiful 2 year old son, Bram, in a tragic accident.
He was hit by a car in a parking lot in Littleton.
I can't even put into words the sorrow I feel for Sammy and her family. Bram was taken too soon!
Such a beautiful little boy.
He has three brothers as well and I can't even imagine how they are coping with the loss of their brother as well.
This poor family is one of the BEST, loving, caring and sweet families I have ever met.
Sammy is an amazing mommy to her four boys. She is a midwifery student and an advocate for Trust Birth.
Her family is having a very rough time being without their little man this holiday season so PLEASE keep them in your prayers!
I can't even imagine the pain they are going through as the sorrow I feel for this beautiful family has completely thrown my off kilter.
I do not have the words to say to help this family through this hard time. I just want them to know that they have me praying for them and a whole group of prayer warriors praying for them!
I just wrote a very long post about my mental illnesses after watching a video of Ruby Wax speaking about mental illness. After getting close to the end, I decided I did not want to share so many details that are quite personal to me.
So to make that long story short, without trying to explain all of my decisions, I am just going to post a timeline of sorts:
May 2006-30 weeks pregnant, severe anxiety. Put on meds. Gave birth two months early.
2006- changed meds several times until I was on lexapro and it took the edge off
August 2008- gave birth to my girl, had PPD and PPA. Upped my dosage, was doing ok.
July 2010- severe anxiety/pain/depression. Tried to OD. Hospitalized for a week.
put on klonopin, ativan, cymbalta, trazadone. Was misinformed about what the drugs could do to a baby if I conceived then the psychiatrist vanished.
August 2010- got pregnant. was running out of hope. no one wanted to prescribe my meds while pregnant. I knew then how bad these were for my baby, but I needed them. I couldn't chance anything bad happening while pregnant. Found a psychiatrist who would see me and give me meds during my pregnancy. I was a high risk pregnancy.
May 2011- gave birth to my baby. he had withdrawl symptoms. was sedated, was on several meds to "wean" him off the meds. I had severe PPD and PPA. I chose to go back to the hospital.
late 2011- attempted to OD again. severe depression. meds were switched/adjusted. have been mostly stable since.
I do NOT know what the future holds.
I just need to trust the Lord will watch over me.
I pray my children never have to deal with the pain I have had to deal with since I was a child.
I wrote this poem when I was hospitalized:
Help Me Lord Jesus
Help me, my sweet savior
out of this pain and all this anger
Please take all these thoughts, these pains
off my shoulders for a happier life, to gain
I want these pains all gone
So for my children I may be strong
For my children I do pray
to never have these anxieties and pains
For my precious babies I pray
They will have a perfect life till their ending day.
Mental illness is something that is NOT controllable
While I do not believe in evolution and do not agree with everything she says, she makes several very true point about mental illness and how mentally healthy people see it.
"perk up, like I didn't think of that myself."
Check out this video, this is how it truly is.
Again I do not agree with the evolution part, just focus on the mental illness parts.
