Sunday, January 23, 2011

My Disorders. I want to be open and honest.

Please don't mind run on sentences and I am sorry if any of this is confusing or doesn't make sense. Please feel free to ask questions if you do get confused.

So I have been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder with psychosis (psychosis part basically means believing things that are not true, such as I always believe people think I am stupid, that I AM stupid, that I am unloved and that my family, despite all their efforts and actions towards me, that they don't truly love me and that they just pretend because they feel it's their "responsibility" to do so and so on)

I also have been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder.

I was diagnosed with these issues after an attempted OD and being hospitalized for a week.

It was a major struggle being hospitalized as if felt like I were in jail.
I do not like being locked in without my freedom to go do what I want, and with the anxiety and depression issues it made it VERY hard for me.
The first night I went to lay in my bed and couldn't lay there, my stomach was hurting, I couldn't stop thinking and I felt like I just wanted to crawl out of my skin. That night they gave me an ativan and benedryl and the meds WORKED! I went to lay down and I slept.
The second day I was to see my doctor. I was terrified I was going to be over looked and kept asking the nurses where my doctor was and one said "She had to leave to get something done" I broke down crying and begging to PLEASE let me see any doctor who could help me. They reassured me that my doctor was coming back.
Finally I got to talk to my doctor and she put me on Ativan, Klonopin, cymbalta and trazadone.
Of course it took some time for all of the meds to take affect and until then I would either sleep all day or pace the halls. I was constantly calling my husband every chance I got, begging him to get me out of there, that it was making it all worse.!
There was nothing he could do (and I believe even if he could, he knew the best thing for me was to be there supervised and getting the care I needed).
When I volunteered to go into the facility I was told Jonathan was allowed to visit me whenever I needed him, but that was untrue and this too made it worse.
I talked to my doctor and told her I NEEDED my husband as he was/is my rock through all of this.
She wrote up a "prescription" for him to be able to come see me on a no visitors day.

We sat at the end of the hall and Jonathan just held me as I cried.
He had a calming affect on me with the sweet words he spoke to me about how much he loved me and wanted me to be better. He prayed with me. Prayed for my healing. Prayed for my peace of mind.
Without the Lord and my husband I don't think I would have made it.

Anyways there is so much more I could go on about but I just can't.
Right now there are many emotions running high and I am in tears. Tears of joy really about being so lucky to have a man who loves me and takes care of me.

I posted this to say that, I have my off days here and there and yesterday morning was an off say.
I was grumpy, irritable, overly sensitive, snappy with the kids and just all over not feeling well.

As soon as we got out of the house and to Sweet Tomatoes for lunch with Jonathans grandparents which was nice. I love salad and I LOVE their homemade chunky chicken noodle soup. I love the thick noodles!

After lunch we went back to the in-laws place and I (as usual since I got pregnant) curled up and took a nap on the couch. This is so typical of me lol.

We all just spent some quality time together and then had some birthday cake.

Spent more time together. Playing video games, chatting, and stuff like that until it was time for dinner.
I was VERY excited to have dinner that night because we were going out for Indian food!
I had the Chicken Tikka Masala. It was DELISH!

We had a very fun day, but busy and the kids were asleep by the time we got home! :)

Also my husband is my favorite. He figured out how to get my button up so please grab it and link me on your blogs!

Here are a few pictures.

It was FREEZING and snowing. I like how the focus was on the water drops BURRR

Traffic was not fun

Little Lady came with me to my psychiatrist appointment.


Me and my pretty girl!


Playing with the table in the waiting room

Miss Addie in the hat I made. Ora used to wear this hat too!

Getting groceries at the store!

She got her first piece of orange and loved it!

Angry girl was mad cause I told her she had to wait in the car with me!

Dirty windows.

At the library. Ora loves the fish.

Looking at movies

Judah's alien face :)

I am slightly sad I am not having a girl simple because I can't use this hat again. It's one of my favorite things I have ever made.


This is why I have more pictures of Ora than Judah. He's a stinker and hides!

I think I've lost my Marbles.

Love this picture in my sisters place!

Oh look. Another dirty window. Kids looking outside off the balcony.
Also my entry for Simple Things!

Chess anyone? My sister picked up this gorgeous glass chess set for $3 at the thrift store.
I don't play chess but am jealous of this set because I think it's pretty!

My nephew Ezekiel. BIG eyes!


Josh holding a sleeping Zeke.

Kids had this naan bread stuffed with cheese and lamb! I tried it. It was so good!

My Chicken Tikka Masala


Her food was spicy. She makes silly faces.

Pretty Pretty

Ora with Great grandma and Judah with Nana


Gosh he is so handsome. Child needs to let me take his pics more!

He loves Nana

Silly face

Serious boy!

Their angry faces. Though they kept laughing.


Please forgive a lot of the photo quality. My external flash batteries died on me and some are phone pics!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I love you honesty here!

And I Ora looks so much like her namesake, Emily, at least in my opinion. :-)