My poor little Ari.
Life has been so incredibly stressful, overwhelming and heavy.
About a month to a month and a half ago I thought Ari was just tired as his eyes started rolling back.
I giggled and picked him up, but once I picked him up he was not responsive to me at all.
I was talking to him and he was just kind of limp and his eyes kept rolling back.
I was worried to an extent, but still chalked it up to him being tired.
We went home and took a nap.
It didn't happen again for a while, but since then I have counted about 6 more occasions when he would have an "episode".
I made a doctors appointment and started doing my own research on what could cause this.
Based on what I read and videos I found on youtube I thought it looked a lot like "absence seizures".
When I took him to the doctor I never said what I thought it could be, I just told her what was happening.
Sure enough she said it sounds like he is having absence seizures.
They measured him and his percentile in height has been dropping as if he just stopped growing.
They did a blood panel and when the results came back the doctor called me with them.
I knew as soon as she called that something was wrong because the nurses usually call.
She talked about everything that came back normal, but then told me that his blood platelets are elevated (could just be from the stomach bug that was going around), his protein levels are low and that she thinks he may have Renal Tubular Acidosis (RTA) which is basically a kidney malfunction. It is when the kidneys don't filter things properly and that could be what is causing him to not be growing the way he is supposed to.
They are considering him to be a failure to thrive case :(
Our pediatrician sent a referral to Children's Hospital. We have to wait for them to call us and then there are a lot of things we need to do in order to get seen by the specialists.
We need to see a pediatric neurologist and the growth specialists.
So needless to say, I am extremely tired and worried and overwhelmed.
There are also other things going on in the family that have contributed to all of this stress.
Please keep my little man in your prayers. I just want him to be happy and healthy.
I seriously LOVE when he crosses his legs while sleeping!
For Reference, what a absence seizure looks like and this is what Ari does!
Before I start this post, I want to clarify that my miscarriages were early on and I didn't "know" what gender they were but I just had that gut feeling and the dreams that helped me to "determine" what they were. If that makes any sense.
Sammy posted recently how after she had a dream about little Bram's death, she started praying for God to show her the future.
To let Bram come to her in her dreams.
When I read this post it sparked a not-so-distant memory of mine.
I had suffered through two miscarriages.
My first miscarriage was in 2003. I was only 17 years old but as soon as I found out I was pregnant, I knew I wanted to keep the baby.. My baby.. There were a lot of issues to begin with.
I never kept track of my cycles, obviously, but the baby never developed.
I had blood drawn every two days. It was miserable.
I remember my heart just dropping when they called with the hormone levels in my blood stream. At first when they said it had risen I was so happy, but they said it was not rising as fast as it should. I knew then that my baby was not going to make it.
I got to see the heartbeat once. It was amazing.
After having the miscarriage I had a dream nightmare of him being taken away from me. It was awful and I hated it.
I was so distraught over so many things, not getting to change diapers, hear his laugh and see him grow up, but the biggest and hardest thing for me was that I wouldn't know what he looked like or how he would have felt in my arms.
Quite a while later after a lot of tears, pain and praying I got the dream. It was a very short dream but it was just enough for me.
It was this:
One day I doing laundry. The back door was wide open and I was carrying a heavy basket of cleaned laundry from the drier to my room. As I passed the back door I heard my sister say something about Tayte being in the dirt in the backyard. She was saying it was a miracle and he was alive. I dropped my basket of laundry which went all over the floor (which I felt was significant as I have a huge aversion to germs to the point that I wear shoes in my house). I ran out to find my son laying in the dirt under a swing set.
He was alive. He was well. He was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen.
As I scooped him up into my arms we gazed into each others eyes. He had the most beautiful green eyes. A thin little nose and tiny mouth.
I held him. Hugged him. Kissed him. Repeatedly told him how much I loved him.
In an instant I was awake again. I was crying. Praying. Closing my eyes and remembering that little face. It was a face of peace. He was good. He was happy. He was beautiful.
I remember the feeling of him in my arms. The love. The tenderness. The softness. Him.
I have that little face memorized. I have the feeling of him in my arms memorized.
I love him and now, 9 whole years after losing him, I find myself weeping over my loss. I love him.
My second miscarriage happened a little over a year later, in 2004.
The pregnancy was going well compared to how my previous pregnancy was going.
I went in when I found out I was pregnant. I was about 4 weeks along. Not a lot to see, but I was reassured that it was simply because it was in the beginning of the pregnancy.
I worried for 4 agonizing weeks. I just wanted to see my baby. I wanted my baby to be healthy. The 8 week ultrasound was great. We saw her little heart beating. It was amazing to see. The baby had grown perfectly for those 4 weeks and I felt such relief!
I couldn't WAIT for my 12 week appointment! I was so excited to see my baby.
I was beside myself with knowing that was going to be the day I HEARD my baby's heartbeat.
I went in. I was made to lay on the table. They squirted the warm blue jelly on my tummy and placed the doppler to my belly. From one side to the other and back. Up high and down low. Pressing harder and lightening up. Then I heart a "whish whish". I smiled so big and the nurse looked down at me and gave me a look of sympathy as she explained that what I had just heard was too slow for a baby and that it was my heart beat.
I cried because I knew right then I had lost my baby. She called the doctor in to do an ultrasound just to be sure.
I looked at the black screen with this tiny little person inside of my womb. There was no heartbeat. I cried more. I couldn't even talk. I couldn't think.
I felt like my world was crumbling around me and that there was no reason to even be living. What had I done wrong? I took my vitamins. I followed the "rules" for pregnant women. I did EVERYTHING you are supposed to do and I lost her anyway even when I knew of others who were smoking and drinking while pregnant and their babies were just fine.
I was so upset, but I put it into Gods hands.
I apologized for my sins. I was sorry for purposely turning my back on Him for "taking my first baby".
I had a nightmare that my little girl was ripped away from me by some demons. It was quite silly when you think of it in real life, but the nightmare seemed SO real. My baby girl was taken from me and I never got to see her.
Again I prayed. I cried. Just like with Tayte, I was so distraught over so many things, not getting to change diapers, hear her laugh and see her grow up, but the biggest and hardest thing for me was that I wouldn't know what she looked like or how she would have felt in my arms.
Some time later I had a dream on my little Angel.
I was in the hospital. My Angel was born early. I assume she didn't live long from the time I got with her in the drem, but it was long enough to see her. Feel her. Touch her. She was this beautiful baby with a cure button nose. A head full of dark curly hair like her dad. Hazel eyes. Her dad was there (even though in real life I hadn't talked to him in several weeks as he just stopped talking to me). We were holding our little girl dressed in this beautiful bright pink outfit with lace trimmings. I held her and hugged her and kissed her. I told her that I would love her forever. That I would see her again in Heaven.
And with that I was wide awake again.
I was crying and memorizing her little face and the feel of her in my arms.
It has been 8 years since losing Angel. I miss her like crazy. I weep for her.
But I know. I know in my heart I will see them when I leave this world. I will ger to hold them and kiss them.
I truly believe God sent me these dreams because he knew how badly I wanted to know what they would look like. How they would feel in my arms and how I got to say goodbye in a different way. It was like closure that I needed.
My babies. Tayte Lee and Angel Moral.
I will see you soon!
Today has been a pretty crazy day with Jonathan volunteering in Judah's class and my father-in-laws book release party.
After several long months of being slightly irritated that my 18 month old was not walking, it all changed tonight.
While at the book release party there was a foyer with the most gorgeous chandelier (I got some pictures of it) and on the floor there was a sort of maze.
As we were waiting for everything to get set up I was letting the kids run around and try to figure out the maze.
Well, guess who decided he wanted to keep up with his brother and sister FINALLY!
That's right. My Mr. Ari Patrick.
I am pretty sure this counts.
This is an old video of my Judah.
My sister and I were at Target when we realized Judah was TERRIFIED of the masks.
Being the mom that I am, I thought this was HILARIOUS and recorded it.
I love how he is talking to me, looks to the side and then almost does a double take and jumps before crying!
Oh my word. I hadn't seen this video in a LONG time and when we were watching it this week we all had a good laugh.
Judah especially thought it was funny.
I have desensitized him since then and now the kid rarely gets scared of anything.
He has not stopped talking about it since watching it :)
Did this video make you smile or laugh?
Or did it make you think I am the worst mom in the world?
Leave a comment and let me know!
This Weekend I... found my camera battery charger! :) I didn't get around to taking any photos with it yet!
This Weekend I... got a new coffee maker, coffee and creamer from my mom!
This Weekend I... found out I lost two more pounds!
This Weekend I... stuck to my diet every day except Friday when I went a little overboard on some delicious cheese steak pizza!
This Weekend I... got pinched by my sons hermit crab and cried while trying to figure out how to get him off my finger. That stuff HURTS!
This Weekend I... uploaded many of my kids artwork pieces and backed them up on several different sites :)
Awesome Robot By: Judah
My very favorite, he drew my favorite Doctor from "Doctor Who" and the Tardis!
By: Judah
Me being pinched by the crab By: Ora (Judah wrote the words)
Pumpkin By: Ora
This Weekend I... had lima beans and ham hocks for the first time in a LONG time and it was delicious!
This Weekend I... wore flip flops and a t-shirt while everyone else was bundled up.
This Weekend I... signed up on formspring.com so PLEASE ASK ANYTHING YOU WOULD LIKE, if you want to remain anonymous just check the "hide name box"!
This Weekend I... attempted the 10 on 10 challenge and ended up taking a very long nap so I gave up after two pictures!
This Weekend I... couldn't tell what my daughter was saying about my hair and why she needed to brush it. I thought she was saying the FOUR letter word that starts with "F". Daddy corrected me through the video!
This Weekend I... enjoyed watching Ariah playing in the box train that his big brother made!
This Weekend I... listened as my husband read parts of "Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy" to Judah, so if you were wondering if this was a posed shot, it wasn't. I snapped it while they were reading!
Lately I have been having feelings of guilt. I feel guilty because I feel like Ari has gotten the short end the the stick. With Ari I never got to breastfeed, we didn't get to visit him in the hospital as much as we did with Judah since we had two little ones at home. As far as getting him to the doctor on time for his shots, we always forgot. It got to the point that at his 9 month appointment (which he didn't even have until he was close to a year, he had to get FIVE shots, when he normally only would have had one or two. And pictures... When Judah was an only child I took a lot pictures of him EVERY day. With Ora, it slowed down a bit but we still got a ton of pictures and videos. With Ari, there have been weeks where I have completely spaced getting pictures of my little man Between running all around and being busy with all three kids, it's gotten harder and harder to take pictures. I have also been AWFUL at printing pictures. I want more pictures hanging on my walls. I want so much more. I need more memories Ok, now I feel like I need to clarify, I don't just neglect taking pictures of Ari, it's a neglect of taking pictures of ANYTHING including Judah and Ora, husband, randoms, etc. So I don't feel entirely guilty because it's mostly just pictures right? But I love looking back at all of my kids baby pictures I usually always cry wanting to hold their tiny little bodies in my arms again In fact I want to go back further and feel them squirming around in my womb. That was by far the BEST feeling in the world. To know that there is a life within me, growing and being nurtured by me and only me. I tend to go on little tangents when writing on my blog so please forgive the jumpiness of this post. Back to the feelings of guilt. The last time any Ari pictures was when he was in the NICU and I was being hospitalized for PPD and PPA. So when I received an email for a FREE Shutterfly 8X10 Collage, my first reaction to it was, I am sad to say, "Great Pics of all the kids on it!" After dinking around trying to get it all set up, I decided to do a newborn-1 Year collage of Mr. Ariah. Here It Is:
Then here are some pictures of the individual, full size version of each photo:
He was a whole 10 lbs 13 oz, nearly 11 pounds! That is a size 1 diaper they have on him. They needed to get him some size 2 diapers :)
One month, on the blanket I crocheted for him!
Two months, he was not so sure what to think about the grass!
Three months! Getting bigger and more grumpy. This was right before a major fit!
Four months and as CUTE as can be! My sister said he looked like Lyle Lovett because of his hair! lol
Five months and starting to get his uber chub back. He had lost it for a bit!
Six months, so alert and playful!!
Seven months, finally growing the hair on the sides back in and looking less Lyle Lovett-esque!
Eight months with gorgeous blue eyes! His hair is getting lighter and lighter!
Nine months, snoozing on mommy and being oh so adorable!
Ten months, he's a super blonde boy now, a toe head, yet the tips of his hair were still light brown! It made his hair look dirty all the time :)
Eleven months and learning to cheese at the camera. He made such goofy faces that, I admit, only a mother could love! lol
One Year Old!!!! Messy chocolate face from nummy oreo! (I honestly never realized the shot of the tv in the background! OH MY WORD lol.)
