Before I start this post, I want to clarify that my miscarriages were early on and I didn't "know" what gender they were but I just had that gut feeling and the dreams that helped me to "determine" what they were. If that makes any sense.
Sammy posted recently how after she had a dream about little Bram's death, she started praying for God to show her the future.
To let Bram come to her in her dreams.
When I read this post it sparked a not-so-distant memory of mine.
I had suffered through two miscarriages.
My first miscarriage was in 2003. I was only 17 years old but as soon as I found out I was pregnant, I knew I wanted to keep the baby.. My baby.. There were a lot of issues to begin with.
I never kept track of my cycles, obviously, but the baby never developed.
I had blood drawn every two days. It was miserable.
I remember my heart just dropping when they called with the hormone levels in my blood stream. At first when they said it had risen I was so happy, but they said it was not rising as fast as it should. I knew then that my baby was not going to make it.
I got to see the heartbeat once. It was amazing.
After having the miscarriage I had a dream nightmare of him being taken away from me. It was awful and I hated it.
I was so distraught over so many things, not getting to change diapers, hear his laugh and see him grow up, but the biggest and hardest thing for me was that I wouldn't know what he looked like or how he would have felt in my arms.
Quite a while later after a lot of tears, pain and praying I got the dream. It was a very short dream but it was just enough for me.
It was this:
One day I doing laundry. The back door was wide open and I was carrying a heavy basket of cleaned laundry from the drier to my room. As I passed the back door I heard my sister say something about Tayte being in the dirt in the backyard. She was saying it was a miracle and he was alive. I dropped my basket of laundry which went all over the floor (which I felt was significant as I have a huge aversion to germs to the point that I wear shoes in my house). I ran out to find my son laying in the dirt under a swing set.
He was alive. He was well. He was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen.
As I scooped him up into my arms we gazed into each others eyes. He had the most beautiful green eyes. A thin little nose and tiny mouth.
I held him. Hugged him. Kissed him. Repeatedly told him how much I loved him.
In an instant I was awake again. I was crying. Praying. Closing my eyes and remembering that little face. It was a face of peace. He was good. He was happy. He was beautiful.
I remember the feeling of him in my arms. The love. The tenderness. The softness. Him.
I have that little face memorized. I have the feeling of him in my arms memorized.
I love him and now, 9 whole years after losing him, I find myself weeping over my loss. I love him.
My second miscarriage happened a little over a year later, in 2004.
The pregnancy was going well compared to how my previous pregnancy was going.
I went in when I found out I was pregnant. I was about 4 weeks along. Not a lot to see, but I was reassured that it was simply because it was in the beginning of the pregnancy.
I worried for 4 agonizing weeks. I just wanted to see my baby. I wanted my baby to be healthy. The 8 week ultrasound was great. We saw her little heart beating. It was amazing to see. The baby had grown perfectly for those 4 weeks and I felt such relief!
I couldn't WAIT for my 12 week appointment! I was so excited to see my baby.
I was beside myself with knowing that was going to be the day I HEARD my baby's heartbeat.
I went in. I was made to lay on the table. They squirted the warm blue jelly on my tummy and placed the doppler to my belly. From one side to the other and back. Up high and down low. Pressing harder and lightening up. Then I heart a "whish whish". I smiled so big and the nurse looked down at me and gave me a look of sympathy as she explained that what I had just heard was too slow for a baby and that it was my heart beat.
I cried because I knew right then I had lost my baby. She called the doctor in to do an ultrasound just to be sure.
I looked at the black screen with this tiny little person inside of my womb. There was no heartbeat. I cried more. I couldn't even talk. I couldn't think.
I felt like my world was crumbling around me and that there was no reason to even be living. What had I done wrong? I took my vitamins. I followed the "rules" for pregnant women. I did EVERYTHING you are supposed to do and I lost her anyway even when I knew of others who were smoking and drinking while pregnant and their babies were just fine.
I was so upset, but I put it into Gods hands.
I apologized for my sins. I was sorry for purposely turning my back on Him for "taking my first baby".
I had a nightmare that my little girl was ripped away from me by some demons. It was quite silly when you think of it in real life, but the nightmare seemed SO real. My baby girl was taken from me and I never got to see her.
Again I prayed. I cried. Just like with Tayte, I was so distraught over so many things, not getting to change diapers, hear her laugh and see her grow up, but the biggest and hardest thing for me was that I wouldn't know what she looked like or how she would have felt in my arms.
Some time later I had a dream on my little Angel.
I was in the hospital. My Angel was born early. I assume she didn't live long from the time I got with her in the drem, but it was long enough to see her. Feel her. Touch her. She was this beautiful baby with a cure button nose. A head full of dark curly hair like her dad. Hazel eyes. Her dad was there (even though in real life I hadn't talked to him in several weeks as he just stopped talking to me). We were holding our little girl dressed in this beautiful bright pink outfit with lace trimmings. I held her and hugged her and kissed her. I told her that I would love her forever. That I would see her again in Heaven.
And with that I was wide awake again.
I was crying and memorizing her little face and the feel of her in my arms.
It has been 8 years since losing Angel. I miss her like crazy. I weep for her.
But I know. I know in my heart I will see them when I leave this world. I will ger to hold them and kiss them.
I truly believe God sent me these dreams because he knew how badly I wanted to know what they would look like. How they would feel in my arms and how I got to say goodbye in a different way. It was like closure that I needed.
My babies. Tayte Lee and Angel Moral.
I will see you soon!
This weekend I....attended my friend's 2 1/2 year old sons funeral.
It was tough.
Sammy and TJ lost their beautiful boy Bram when he was hit by a car flying through a parking lot when they were going to get family photos taken.
My heart is so torn up for this amazing family.
Sammy and TJ are such amazing parents and love their boys so much.
I can not imagine the pain they must be going through.
Sammy posts a few thing on her facebook about her grief, but I know that what she is posting isn't even the tip of the iceberg of pain she is feeling.
On Saturday they had a balloon release before his funeral.
On the day Bram was born there was some debate on what time he was born, some thought 11:06 and others 11:08.
Last Saturday, the day he was taken from this world, he passed and was born into Heaven at 11:07.
His parents and brothers released their balloons at exactly 11:07 a week after losing their beautiful boy.
It was a beautiful release and once all the balloons were in the air someone caught a picture of the balloons that floated up and formed a heart.
I don't think it was a coincidence.
I believe it was a sign for God to show all the love Bram brought to everyone.
Here are photos I took:
This was a skit they did showing how it is not scary to go to Heaven.
TJ
Sammy
Please keep this amazing, beautiful family in your prayers.
Pray for Sammy and TJ in their time of grief and pray for their boys, Tatum, Kaleb and Alden as they lost their brother.
Today we had a fun day.
Judah, Ora and myself went to my parents house!
We had so much fun making Salt Dough Ornaments and playing with the scraps :)
I got each of the kids hand prints, our cats paw prints, all the dogs (-1) over at my parents and other little random ones!
I did not take pictures of them yet because they are not complete!
I still need to seal them and have the kiddos paint them.
I am excited to show the end results, but that won't be until next weekend or so when I get the money for paint and sealant.
Here are a few pictures I took today!
I have some pictures from Bram's memorial service but I am going to ask for permission to post all of them.
Continue to keep this family in your prayers!
Oh and also, I am going to start my first class tomorrow. I am excited to use my brain again. It's so bored and rusty...
The beginning of the day was not so hot.
I slept until about noon because, well I was exhausted.
Jonathan woke up sick with a tummy bug of some sort, so that threw our original plans for the evening out the window.
My dear friend Toni invited me and the kids over for dinner since we weren't going to be doing anything.
Of course I took her up on the offer as I love her and don't see her nearly enough. She is also an amazing cook ;)
So we had roast, mashed potatoes, green beans, delicious made from scratch stuffing and for desert we had delicious sweet potato "pie".
Toni described it as sweet potato casserole since it didn't have a crust.
It was all gluten and dairy free and it was amazing!!!
While we were over there Ari attempted to kill himself.
He crawled up and down the stairs a lot as we were right there.
Well, he got upstairs and decided he wanted to crawl/slither backward to try ang go under the railing.
I got under him but had no idea how to catch him because he was coming down feet first!
I yelled "SOMEONE HELP"!
Luckily Judah wasn't in lalaland like he normally is and ran over and wrapped his arm around Ari's bottom and pulled him back up.
No more going upstairs anymore over at Toni's because of this. At least not without an adult right there to follow him around.
The problem is, is Ari is completely FEARLESS!
Nothing scares him. He will climb everything and do so many things that a baby his age should NOT be doing yet.
He takes after my husbands cousin Peter.
Peter was born premature. He was a micropreemie baby, born at home.
He should not have made it, but his momma wrapped him in foil to help him maintain body heat and they rushed to the hospital.
Despite all the things that happened he lived! He was a survivor.
Peter, like Ari, was fearless.
Peter later in life took up rock climbing.
One day he and two friends went up to do some rock climbing.
Peter was belaying his friend when rock began falling.
The friend who was not belaying or climbing ran for cover.
Peter too could have run to protect himself, but he knew that if he had done that, his friend climbing would have been killed.
Peter gave his life for his friend that day!
Peter made the ultimate sacrifice for his friend.
"Greater love has no one than this,
that he lay down his life for his friends."
- Jesus Christ
If you would like to read more of Peters story click here
Well I am quite sleepy and I have another Thanksgiving Celebration tomorrow so I should get some rest, but here are some photos from today!
My gorgeous and amazing friend who was a great host tonight. Miss Toni Kaye:)
Ari Patrick says "jfesgkjfvhhdstunfdyuvphpga" I am pretty sure that means "Happy Thanksgiving"
On Saturday we stopped by Sally's Beauty Supply store.
They have self ear piercing kits and I asked Ora if she wanted to get her ears pierced.
She was not into it at all, but Judah on the other hand wanted to.
I bought a kit, but was later talked out of it when Jonathan decided to scare the crap outta him.
Then I remembered I have metal allergies and have to wear gold, white gold or tungsten or else I get rashes that itch like no other, water blisters and pain.
The kit I purchased was gold plated, and that just wasn't going to cut it so I decided against using the kit.
On Sunday after picking the kiddos up from Nana's we stopped by the mall and into Claire's where we got Judahs ear pierced.
After getting the first one done he didn't want to get the other one done right away.
I was going to wait for him to collect himself, but again Jonathan stepped in and basically rushed us out.
Of course as soon as we were leaving Judah was asking about getting his other ear pierced.
I told him it was going to be quite a while before we would be able to do it because it cost us $50 for the earring, cleaner and piercing.
He told me he wished that he had gotten the other one done. :/
Also, here is something Judah shared with daddy then later wanted to share on the interwebs :)
On a side note, I attended a Benefit for Bram dinner.
I knew no one there, but that is ok.
I know TJ, Samantha and their other three boys need time to grieve.
I was there to support them and to let them know that I care.
I pray that God heals their souls and gives them peace in this difficult time.
Seven years ago today my dad walked me down the isle and gave me away.
Seven years ago today I was a bride to be...
Seven years ago today I left my parents to cleave to my husband...
Seven years ago today we gathered with friends and family to celebrate our union...
Seven years ago today we exchanged vows....
Seven years ago today we exchanged rings...
Seven years ago I became Mrs. Jonathan David Terbush...
Thank you Jonathan for putting up with me for the past seven years.
I know we have had our up and downs.
It seems we have had more downs than ups, but we have fought our way through the years and today we celebrate one more year of being married.
I just wrote a very long post about my mental illnesses after watching a video of Ruby Wax speaking about mental illness. After getting close to the end, I decided I did not want to share so many details that are quite personal to me.
So to make that long story short, without trying to explain all of my decisions, I am just going to post a timeline of sorts:
May 2006-30 weeks pregnant, severe anxiety. Put on meds. Gave birth two months early.
2006- changed meds several times until I was on lexapro and it took the edge off
August 2008- gave birth to my girl, had PPD and PPA. Upped my dosage, was doing ok.
July 2010- severe anxiety/pain/depression. Tried to OD. Hospitalized for a week.
put on klonopin, ativan, cymbalta, trazadone. Was misinformed about what the drugs could do to a baby if I conceived then the psychiatrist vanished.
August 2010- got pregnant. was running out of hope. no one wanted to prescribe my meds while pregnant. I knew then how bad these were for my baby, but I needed them. I couldn't chance anything bad happening while pregnant. Found a psychiatrist who would see me and give me meds during my pregnancy. I was a high risk pregnancy.
May 2011- gave birth to my baby. he had withdrawl symptoms. was sedated, was on several meds to "wean" him off the meds. I had severe PPD and PPA. I chose to go back to the hospital.
late 2011- attempted to OD again. severe depression. meds were switched/adjusted. have been mostly stable since.
I do NOT know what the future holds.
I just need to trust the Lord will watch over me.
I pray my children never have to deal with the pain I have had to deal with since I was a child.
I wrote this poem when I was hospitalized:
Help Me Lord Jesus
Help me, my sweet savior
out of this pain and all this anger
Please take all these thoughts, these pains
off my shoulders for a happier life, to gain
I want these pains all gone
So for my children I may be strong
For my children I do pray
to never have these anxieties and pains
For my precious babies I pray
They will have a perfect life till their ending day.
Mental illness is something that is NOT controllable
While I do not believe in evolution and do not agree with everything she says, she makes several very true point about mental illness and how mentally healthy people see it. "perk up, like I didn't think of that myself."
Check out this video, this is how it truly is.
Again I do not agree with the evolution part, just focus on the mental illness parts.
