So to make that long story short, without trying to explain all of my decisions, I am just going to post a timeline of sorts:
May 2006-30 weeks pregnant, severe anxiety. Put on meds. Gave birth two months early.
2006- changed meds several times until I was on lexapro and it took the edge off
August 2008- gave birth to my girl, had PPD and PPA. Upped my dosage, was doing ok.
July 2010- severe anxiety/pain/depression. Tried to OD. Hospitalized for a week.
put on klonopin, ativan, cymbalta, trazadone. Was misinformed about what the drugs could do to a baby if I conceived then the psychiatrist vanished.
August 2010- got pregnant. was running out of hope. no one wanted to prescribe my meds while pregnant. I knew then how bad these were for my baby, but I needed them. I couldn't chance anything bad happening while pregnant. Found a psychiatrist who would see me and give me meds during my pregnancy. I was a high risk pregnancy.
May 2011- gave birth to my baby. he had withdrawl symptoms. was sedated, was on several meds to "wean" him off the meds. I had severe PPD and PPA. I chose to go back to the hospital.
late 2011- attempted to OD again. severe depression. meds were switched/adjusted. have been mostly stable since.
I do NOT know what the future holds.
I just need to trust the Lord will watch over me.
I pray my children never have to deal with the pain I have had to deal with since I was a child.
I wrote this poem when I was hospitalized:
Help Me Lord Jesus
Help me, my sweet savior
out of this pain and all this anger
Please take all these thoughts, these pains
off my shoulders for a happier life, to gain
I want these pains all gone
So for my children I may be strong
For my children I do pray
to never have these anxieties and pains
For my precious babies I pray
They will have a perfect life till their ending day.
Mental illness is something that is NOT controllable
While I do not believe in evolution and do not agree with everything she says, she makes several very true point about mental illness and how mentally healthy people see it.
"perk up, like I didn't think of that myself."
Check out this video, this is how it truly is.
Again I do not agree with the evolution part, just focus on the mental illness parts.