Dreams #NaBloPoMo

Before I start this post, I want to clarify that my miscarriages were early on and I didn't "know" what gender they were but I just had that gut feeling and the dreams that helped me to "determine" what they were. If that makes any sense.

Sammy posted recently how after she had a dream about little Bram's death, she started praying for God to show her the future.
To let Bram come to her in her dreams.

When I read this post it sparked a not-so-distant memory of mine.

I had suffered through two miscarriages.

My first miscarriage was in 2003. I was only 17 years old but as soon as I found out I was pregnant, I knew I wanted to keep the baby.. My baby.. There were a lot of issues to begin with.
I never kept track of my cycles, obviously, but the baby never developed.
I had blood drawn every two days. It was miserable.
I remember my heart just dropping when they called with the hormone levels in my blood stream. At first when they said it had risen I was so happy, but they said it was not rising as fast as it should. I knew then that my baby was not going to make it.

I got to see the heartbeat once. It was amazing.

After having the miscarriage I had a dream nightmare of him being taken away from me. It was awful and I hated it.

I was so distraught over so many things, not getting to change diapers, hear his laugh and see him grow up, but the biggest and hardest thing for me was that I wouldn't know what he looked like or how he would have felt in my arms.

Quite a while later after a lot of tears, pain and praying I got the dream. It was a very short dream but it was just enough for me.
It was this:

One day I doing laundry. The back door was wide open and I was carrying a heavy basket of cleaned laundry from the drier to my room. As I passed the back door I heard my sister say something about Tayte being in the dirt in the backyard. She was saying it was a miracle and he was alive. I dropped my basket of laundry which went all over the floor (which I felt was significant as I have a huge aversion to germs to the point that I wear shoes in my house). I ran out to find my son laying in the dirt under a swing set.
He was alive. He was well. He was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen.
As I scooped him up into my arms we gazed into each others eyes. He had the most beautiful green eyes. A thin little nose and tiny mouth.
I held him. Hugged him. Kissed him. Repeatedly told him how much I loved him.

In an instant I was awake again. I was crying. Praying. Closing my eyes and remembering that little face. It was a face of peace. He was good. He was happy. He was beautiful.

I remember the feeling of him in my arms. The love. The tenderness. The softness. Him.

I have that little face memorized. I have the feeling of him in my arms memorized.
I love him and now, 9 whole years after losing him, I find myself weeping over my loss. I love him.


My second miscarriage happened a little over a year later, in 2004.
The pregnancy was going well compared to how my previous pregnancy was going.
I went in when I found out I was pregnant. I was about 4 weeks along. Not a lot to see, but I was reassured that it was simply because it was in the beginning of the pregnancy.

I worried for 4 agonizing weeks. I just wanted to see my baby. I wanted my baby to be healthy. The 8 week ultrasound was great. We saw her little heart beating. It was amazing to see. The baby had grown perfectly for those 4 weeks and I felt such relief!

I couldn't WAIT for my 12 week appointment! I was so excited to see my baby.
I was beside myself with knowing that was going to be the day I HEARD my baby's heartbeat.

I went in. I was made to lay on the table. They squirted the warm blue jelly on my tummy and placed the doppler to my belly. From one side to the other and back. Up high and down low. Pressing harder and lightening up. Then I heart a "whish whish". I smiled so big and the nurse looked down at me and gave me a look of sympathy as she explained that what I had just heard was too slow for a baby and that it was my heart beat.

I cried because I knew right then I had lost my baby. She called the doctor in to do an ultrasound just to be sure.

I looked at the black screen with this tiny little person inside of my womb. There was no heartbeat. I cried more. I couldn't even talk. I couldn't think.

I felt like my world was crumbling around me and that there was no reason to even be living. What had I done wrong? I took my vitamins. I followed the "rules" for pregnant women. I did EVERYTHING you are supposed to do and I lost her anyway even when I knew of others who were smoking and drinking while pregnant and their babies were just fine.

I was so upset, but I put it into Gods hands.
I apologized for my sins. I was sorry for purposely turning my back on Him for "taking my first baby".

I had a nightmare that my little girl was ripped away from me by some demons. It was quite silly when you think of it in real life, but the nightmare seemed SO real. My baby girl was taken from me and I never got to see her.

Again I prayed. I cried. Just like with Tayte, I was so distraught over so many things, not getting to change diapers, hear her laugh and see her grow up, but the biggest and hardest thing for me was that I wouldn't know what she looked like or how she would have felt in my arms.

Some time later I had a dream on my little Angel.

I was in the hospital. My Angel was born early. I assume she didn't live long from the time I got with her in the drem, but it was long enough to see her. Feel her. Touch her. She was this beautiful baby with a cure button nose. A head full of dark curly hair like her dad. Hazel eyes. Her dad was there (even though in real life I hadn't talked to him in several weeks as he just stopped talking to me). We were holding our little girl dressed in this beautiful bright pink outfit with lace trimmings. I held her and hugged her and kissed her. I told her that I would love her forever. That I would see her again in Heaven.

And with that I was wide awake again.
I was crying and memorizing her little face and the feel of her in my arms.
It has been 8 years since losing Angel. I miss her like crazy. I weep for her.

But I know. I know in my heart I will see them when I leave this world. I will ger to hold them and kiss them.



I truly believe God sent me these dreams because he knew how badly I wanted to know what they would look like. How they would feel in my arms and how I got to say goodbye in a different way. It was like closure that I needed.

My babies. Tayte Lee and Angel Moral.
I will see you soon!

Seven Years Ago... #NaBloPoMo

Seven years ago today my dad walked me down the isle and gave me away.



Seven years ago today I was a bride to be...



Seven years ago today I left my parents to cleave to my husband...



Seven years ago today we gathered with friends and family to celebrate our union...



Seven years ago today we exchanged vows....



Seven years ago today we exchanged rings...



Seven years ago I became Mrs. Jonathan David Terbush...








Thank you Jonathan for putting up with me for the past seven years.
I know we have had our up and downs.
It seems we have had more downs than ups, but we have fought our way through the years and today we celebrate one more year of being married.

30 Days Of Thanksgiving #NaBloPoMo

As promised, here are my days 1-10 of the 30 days of Thanksgiving

It Gave Me Chills #NaBloPoMo

I truly believe that the Lord protects people and answers prayers.
I have many examples of times when I know the Lord heard my prayers and protected me from some sort of harm.

I am going to share a couple of my stories.


Babysitting Storm
It was a sunny spring day when I was asked to babysit for a neighbor of mine, who's son I used to work with at a daycare before babysitting him.
Elijah was about two years old when this happened.
I had asked for permission for a friend of mine to come along with me while I babysat Elijah.
His parents said that was fine and that we could go on walks or whatever.
My friend Judy came along with me and we decided to walk to the park and then to the store.
I don't remember much before the storm happened as I have the worst memory in the world but I do remember this distinctly.
We were walking down Cornell Street and the sky started to look very angry.
It was dark and had a somewhat green hue to it and I knew that the color green meant something bad was about to happen.
As we were walking I thought for sure there was going to be a tornado as the green can be an indication of one about to occur.
While walking as fast as I could I knew I had about a half a mile to a mile left to go to get back to my house or Elijahs house.
I remember fervently praying in my head and out loud "Lord, PLEASE let me get to shelter before the storm hits."
Then the thunder and lightning began and I just kept on walking and praying... praying and walking...

Meanwhile, my mom was about to take my little sister Kathi to get some swim shoes for a trip she was going to take with her class
My mom took the route she normally would have when she got blocked up from traffic as a traffic light was out.
My mom told me later that she felt like she was supposed to turn around and head to a different store with no reason other than the traffic.

As I was praying I saw my mom driving past us.
She stopped and told us to get in, that she would take us home as it was going to start storming soon.
Judy hopped in the car, I put Elijah in the car, folded up the stroller and threw it in the trunk.
I then climbed into the car and the second I had the door closed this penny sized hails just bore down on us in the car.
I had barely made it into the car before it happened.
Right then and there I knew the Lord heard my prayers and sent my mom in my direction to protect myself, Judy and Elijah from that horrible storm.
To this day, I get chills thinking about how everything played out!



His Protection Through My Stupidity

This next one, to me, proves that my Lord with come through for me even when I am making a really dumb decision.
I had been talking to this fellow from my school over chat.
He had expressed interest in me and like a fool I was playing into his game.
He was calling me pretty and making me feel good about myself all the while working his way into getting something out of me that he wanted.
He knew I had just broken up with my boyfriend at the time so I was vulnerable I guess you could say, so he used that to his full advantage.
One night he asked if I wanted to meet up to do... stuff...
Me, being the dummy that I was said yes, and even though I knew it was wrong I decided to go anyway.
I also had this gut feeling that something was off.
He asked me to meet him in the garage of the empty house he lived next to.
(Oh I should mention, he never once spoke to me in person at school though we would pass each other several times a day.)
I felt so uncomfortable that I went to the extreme and grabbed a knife and put it in my pocket for protection "just in case".
My brain was SCREAMING at me to stay home, but I was bitter over my breakup and he was paying attention to me!!!
Well I was walking down Cornell Street again (coincidence that both of these happened on the same street?).
As I was walking I prayed and prayed "Lord if something bad is going to happen, PLEASE make my mom get off work early and drive past, or make a friend drive past and stop me!"
As I was walking I noticed three figures walking towards me.
There was a light behind them and it was well past 9pm so all I could see were silhouettes and my heart jsut started racing.
I thought "Oh no, this is it, this is what I was worried about, it wasn't about , its these people. What is they try to hurt me?"
Quickly I grabbed the knife handle in my pocket but did not pull it out.
I just clutched onto the knife for dear life in case I needed to use it.
As the figures got closer I started to relax as I recognized the struts of each of these people.
It was my sister, her boyfriend and my ex.
When we got close enough to each other they stopped me.
I kept trying to leave and go meet up with the fellow I was talking to.
My sister fought me on it and kept telling me to come hang out, as my ex kept telling he wanted me back.
I tried to resist, but I knew this was God's way of protecting me from danger.
It was NOT what I was expecting and I surely didn't want to see my ex at that point, but it they were people I knew I could trust.
I knew with them I would be safe.
Again, I knew God had heard my prayers and led me and the other three into each others paths for a reason.
I don't know what would have happened if I had not ran into the three.
I am just glad that I did and glad that the Lord hears me and looks out for me despite my human nature to do some really STUPID things.
Said fellow who wanted to meet up with me was very angry about me not meeting up with me.
He said some pretty nasty things to me so I know it was meant to be, that I was stopped in my tracks for walking into what could have been a very bad night for me.







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