Monday, February 21, 2011

Lots of Stuff in my head

I am having a tough time with this pregnancy both physically and emotionally.

First off, I would NEVER have gotten pregnant had I not been misinformed by my first psychologist who said I would be just fine getting pregnant with being on the meds I am on. She said that the baby and everything with us would be completely normal/fine.
Then she up and left the practice with no warning and I was really hurt by that.

Well after she left I had been searching for another psychologist for several months. Many wouldn't take me seeing as I was pregnant because they would not prescribe the meds I NEED to be stable. I remember crying in office after office when they said they would not accept me as a patient. I felt it was unfair and that I had been given the short end of the stick in this situation.

I FINALLY found my current psychologist and she is completely wonderful. She has done SO much research and found out so many things for me.

My last appointment she said "I don't want to be pessimistic but I am not sure that you will be able to breastfeed while on these medications" and I left it at that, for the time being. She left to write out my prescriptions and when she returned I asked her what the chances were of me being able to breastfeed.

She said it was basically my choice but what would happen is I would have my baby, he'd go through withdrawl symptoms get better and then if I nursed him, the meds would build up in his system again and he'd have to go through all that pain again. She said that if it were her baby she would do formula. I had to agree with her. I won't put my son through that TWO times.

I have been so depressed over the entire thing because I would have NEVER EVER gotten pregnant on these meds if I knew from the get go that he could have developed SO many problems in the first trimester and that he would have withdrawl symptoms and possibly have respiratory distress after being born.

This threw my wanted home birth out the window. I need to be in the hospital so they can care for the baby should anything bad happen as a side effect of the meds.

And for the breastfeeding....

Breastfeeding has been SO important to me since my son was born. I pumped exclusively to get him breastmilk because he was premature and couldn't latch on. I got mastitis THREE times while doing this and nearly gave up, but I pushed through all of them and ended up nursing Judah until he was nearly 2.

I pumped exclusively for 3 months for Ora as she couldn't latch on either until then. Luckily no mastistis with her. I nursed her until she was 15 months.

I was so looking forward to being able to nurse this baby and I feel like HE is getting a rotten deal out of it all because he will/may have the issues after he's born and then I wont be able to bond with him like I was able to with Judah and Ora.

I have been depressed, upset and crying a LOT lately because of this.

With that being said, do I regret this pregnancy/baby? NO! I love him to death and wouldn't trade him for the world.
I would have kept myself from becoming pregnant if I had known ahead of time to protect any future babies for having to go through what this little man may have to endure.

Can I just ween off my meds and do things my way? NO! I have been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Massive Depression Disorder. I am NOT stable off of the meds and if I were to try to hurt myself again (which is how I got on the meds in the first place) it would just hurt the baby more than if I stayed on the meds. We tried weening me off at the beginning of the pregnancy and the anxiety and depression hit SO bad SO fast I had to get back on the meds right away!

I believe that there is a REASON this little boy will be coming into this world. God knows what He is doing and is protecting this child. If it were not meant to be I would not be pregnant right now.

I just have to remember to give all my worries and sorrows in Gods hands and let Him take care of everything, because my being depressed and anxious will not change anything and will not help.

And for the physical hardships, boy... everything hurts. The worst in my groin area/pelvic bone.
It's been sore for many weeks but the other day I lifted my left leg to turn over and get off the couch I was laying on and I heard a super loud POP and had a sharp pain just linger there. Now every time I try to walk, stand up, get into my car etc it hurts so bad. It's to the point in the middle of the night I wake my husband up to help me get up so I can go pee! It sucks. I will be talking to my doctor next Friday (Mar 4). Maybe they can figure something out.

A much more uplifting post coming soon. I really just needed to get this off me chest and into writing!

Just one cute picture of my cats. These two totally antagonize each other during the day, but I caught them laying together like this this morning. Dexter had his paw and leg around Bracelet and they were being so cute.


Nessa said...

Thanks for posting this. I was diagnosed with GAD in 2004. I am not being treated with medicine right now - but there was a long time where I could't go without them. Babies need healthy mamas first. You are making the right choice for your little boy and you.

Laurie J said...

awww....I'll be praying that your little guy will be fine when born. Like you wrote, God knows. AND (as you know) He cares about your little guy. You sound like a great mama.