Thursday, March 8, 2012

GAD, MDD and PPD Part 2

After growing up with GAD (un-diagnosed) it subsided for the most part except for certain occasions.

It was bearable and I could live with the attacks that I was having because they were few and far between, and they were not nearly as aggressive as they had been in the past.

Then I got pregnant with baby Judah. All went well until 30 weeks when I ended up getting an anxiety attack.
It was miserable.

This was no ordinary attack and it was nothing I had ever experienced before.
As I believe I mentioned in the last part of this series, I had attacks every night in high school and I would go a while without eating.

This started when I was about 30 weeks along.
It hurt my stomach. I was constantly sick.
I was unable to eat.
I was unable to drink hardly anything.
I forced myself to drink vitamin water to try and get nutrients to the baby.

I didn't sleep for like 2-3 weeks.
My doctor prescribed me zoloft and ambien during these few weeks and they helped nothing.
I still couldn't eat.
I still couldn't sleep.

At 32 weeks pregnant my water broke and I delivered my baby 4 days later.

I blame myself every day for it.
It had to have been because I couldn't eat or sleep and my body and baby knew that he would be better off outside of my womb.
I felt like a failure. I had failed my baby.
This was after two miscarriages as well.
So I felt I had failed all three babies.

To this day I know it's my fault my son was born premature.
I mean, logically I know that I couldn't control my anxiety, but the thought of not being able to carry your baby full term is heart breaking.

He is a happy healthy 5 almost 6 year old.
He had no delays or anything.

God blessed me with a healthy baby despite his coming early.

The anxiety continues for quite a while after I gave birth as well.
Then PPD kicked in as well.

I wanted to die.
I was in pain and didn't want to live anymore.

I was put on surveillance with a nurse.
The nurse sat in the room all night with me for several nights.

The day I was to be discharged I went to the NICU and was sitting down.
They asked me to get up so they could do work on Judah.
I fainted.
This I am sure was due to the lack of food.

I ended my pregnancy at 160 lbs and two weeks later I was down to 109 due to not eating.

Basically it was completely awful.

A few months later I was switched to lexapro and I was fine for a while.

But the next part will be posted in part 3 of the series.

And since this was all while I was pregnant and when I had my son I will post some pictures from that time.

This was me during the time of my anxiety attacks. I tried to act as if nothing was wrong. I had already lost weight even while pregnant.

This is me about 2 weeks postpartum. You cant even tell I had a baby.

Mommy and Judah

Judah after birth
my boy. all 4 lbs 9 oz of him



And this is him now:


amy@agoodlife said...

wow, what a blessing he is so healthy after being born so early! i think writing all this down & putting it out there is a great idea & can only help the healing process, right? i completely agree with your logic, you can NOT blame yourself for what happened but i understand it must have been, & still is, very hard.

Nicole said...

So precious!

brandy said...

Thanks for sharing this! I had so much anxiety my last pregnancy (my baby is almost 6 weeks old). I, too, wasn't eating well post partum (had ZERO appetite). I would choke food down. I lost 25 pounds in one week (and I thought that was a lot). I'm glad to see your son is healthy and well for a 32 weeker. Don't beat yourself up over his prematurity. The past is the past. And he is adorable! I spent a lot of time beating myself up over things. Don't do it! =) said...

I have GAD and had stopped my medication after I found out I was pregnant. I was fine throughout my pregnancy. After my son was born I had PPD really bad for 5 months (didn't know what was going on at the time) and then it went away, and one night I had a major anxiety attack while feeding my son in the middle of the night; I knew I needed to put him down but couldn't figure out how to get him to his crib and wanted to put him on the DOGS BED! I was able to get him to his crib, woke my husband, who tried to talk me down and we ended up going to the hospital where I was given Ativan and kept until the attack subsided. I was put back on medication the very next day.
Thank you for sharing your story.