It was bearable and I could live with the attacks that I was having because they were few and far between, and they were not nearly as aggressive as they had been in the past.
Then I got pregnant with baby Judah. All went well until 30 weeks when I ended up getting an anxiety attack.
It was miserable.
This was no ordinary attack and it was nothing I had ever experienced before.
As I believe I mentioned in the last part of this series, I had attacks every night in high school and I would go a while without eating.
This started when I was about 30 weeks along.
It hurt my stomach. I was constantly sick.
I was unable to eat.
I was unable to drink hardly anything.
I forced myself to drink vitamin water to try and get nutrients to the baby.
I didn't sleep for like 2-3 weeks.
My doctor prescribed me zoloft and ambien during these few weeks and they helped nothing.
I still couldn't eat.
I still couldn't sleep.
At 32 weeks pregnant my water broke and I delivered my baby 4 days later.
I blame myself every day for it.
It had to have been because I couldn't eat or sleep and my body and baby knew that he would be better off outside of my womb.
I felt like a failure. I had failed my baby.
This was after two miscarriages as well.
So I felt I had failed all three babies.
To this day I know it's my fault my son was born premature.
I mean, logically I know that I couldn't control my anxiety, but the thought of not being able to carry your baby full term is heart breaking.
He is a happy healthy 5 almost 6 year old.
He had no delays or anything.
God blessed me with a healthy baby despite his coming early.
The anxiety continues for quite a while after I gave birth as well.
Then PPD kicked in as well.
I wanted to die.
I was in pain and didn't want to live anymore.
I was put on surveillance with a nurse.
The nurse sat in the room all night with me for several nights.
The day I was to be discharged I went to the NICU and was sitting down.
They asked me to get up so they could do work on Judah.
This I am sure was due to the lack of food.
I ended my pregnancy at 160 lbs and two weeks later I was down to 109 due to not eating.
Basically it was completely awful.
A few months later I was switched to lexapro and I was fine for a while.
But the next part will be posted in part 3 of the series.
And since this was all while I was pregnant and when I had my son I will post some pictures from that time.
This was me during the time of my anxiety attacks. I tried to act as if nothing was wrong. I had already lost weight even while pregnant.
This is me about 2 weeks postpartum. You cant even tell I had a baby.
my boy. all 4 lbs 9 oz of him
And this is him now: